The topic of self-care has been endlessly hashed out at every conference, in every health magazine, in every lifestyle blog, and is the first advise a friend is likely to give you if you mention stress. I know, I know, and I’m adding to the cacophony. There are two reasons for this. One, it is INCREDIBLY important! Think about how often we repeat our flea/tick/roundworm/heartworm/[insert favorite parasite here] conversation. It is critical, and thus it bears repeating. Two, there are many different approaches to the topic so everyone wants to put in their two cents. Now It’s my turn!
I don’t think anyone will argue that caring for themselves is important. However, opinions on level of care and what constitutes care vary wildly. For many, care seems to be treated as a fixed asset, such that care of self directly decreases the care available for others: family members, clients, patients, community obligations, etc. Thus self-care is carefully rationed and evaluated as it compares to the energy one is putting out into the world. There may even be guilt associated with any act of self-care that even temporarily suspends or transfers a caretaking role. For instance, going on a walk with one’s children is acceptable as it enriches their lives, but leaving a partner alone at their bedtime to take a solitary evening walk may be difficult to justify. There are some for whom physical self-care is justifiable and important, but emotional self-care is a luxury reserved for the leisure class. These individuals will give themselves time at the gym and to prep food, but would most likely consider a day spent in pajamas as an unjustifiable indulgence. For others self-care decisions are made based on time. If a self-care item can be completed in less than 30 minutes, it is worth it, otherwise it must be reserved for a special occasion.
Each of us has woven a complex series of unconscious (or possibly conscious) rules that govern what kinds of self-care are allowable and how much of each we deserve at any given time. Before we can discuss what kinds of self-care may be most beneficial for reducing stress or for meeting personal goals, it is important to understand what your current internal rules are. Knowing where they come from can also be valuable.
For many of us, formation of our internal rules started by watching friends and family members as we were growing up. How did our parents care for themselves? What was seen as indulgent versus acceptable care versus encouraged self-care? What habits or family rhythms existed that conferred mental health benefits but weren’t necessarily discussed in terms of care? For instance, a parent who went to bed and woke up at the same time each day was illustrating a commitment to a good night sleep, though may never have been discussed in those terms. Did you see your parents and your friends commit to vacation time or weekend down time? Or did you live in a family that was always on the move with scheduled activities and projects? What family and regional cultural attitudes do you still internalize? Perhaps more importantly: How many of those attitudes and self-care related rules truly align with your personal priorities, values, and life goals?
Rules tend to be resistant to change unless they are deliberately altered. Fortunately or unfortunately, life-altering events or transitions (Hello COVID-19) provide an opportunity to reexamine and revise our self-care habits. Examples of non-pandemic life events that also compel a self-care makeover include: living on your own for the first time, the demands of vet school, marriage or divorce, children, employment shifts, and any personal crisis or loss that challenges your wellbeing. In each of these situations, the first months or years of the change are often the most stressful as our coping or self-care strategies are not yet matched to our needs. As we adapt we tend to establish an equilibrium that feels normal to us. It is important to remember that our ‘normal’ is defined by our internal rules and doesn’t necessarily denote a state of low-stress living.
To establish a self-care regimen that truly meets your needs and allows you to live your best possible life, you must consider the following items:
- What internalized self-care rules do you live by?
- Do these rules align with your personal priorities, values, and life goals?
- What personal needs must be met in order to live your best life?
- Are your self-care strategies adequate to meet those needs?
- What needs are currently unmet?
- Which of your self-care strategies are outdated or no longer of value?
As discussed in Revising your Routines, our daily rhythms and habits have been significantly impacted, as have our self-care opportunities. Since our self-care strategies have been upset, thoughtfully approaching their replacement may provide benefits that extend far beyond the reach of the pandemic.
In approaching a new self-care regimen, it is helpful to start by considering what you need in order to feel good. Not just functional, but truly infused with a sense of wellbeing. Try to start with what wellbeing feels like to you rather than by brainstorming specific activities. Common descriptors you may use for your state of wellbeing include: rested, active, quiet, stabile, organized, exciting, energetic, accomplished, creative, connected, satisfied, exuberant, peaceful, contented, thoughtful, focused, studious, etc. Once you have a clear idea of your ideal emotional state and its components, THEN think about what activities are most likely to contribute to or evoke that state.
By concentrating on the emotions our self-care items are intended to evoke we are better able to craft effective self-care strategies. Consider the following example: Due to distancing recommendations your gym has temporarily closed. You have been exercising in your living room to replace the lost self-care item, but you are not feeling the familiar sense of calm and peace following your workout. You have replaced the activity, but not the emotion of your self-care item. In addition to the physical exercise the gym provided, consider that for the hour you were at the gym no one asked you a single question, no one required your attention, no one had a problem you needed to solve. For that one hour you got to let your brain drift absolutely, without the anxiety that you were just about to be tapped on the shoulder and expected to perform. When you consider the gym environment itself as an important component of the self-care routine, it is easy to see why your replacement routine isn’t working. While I encourage you to continue exercising for its health benefits, to fulfill your need for uninterrupted brain time you might be better served by taking a walk outside or even taking a drive and parking your car at a scenic spot for 40 minutes. If you have a partner or children, you may need to negotiate a quid-pro-quo, but if that time apart allows you to engage more fully with your life, it is likely worth it.
As you attempt to replace self-care routines lost in the pandemic, take a hard look at your previously successful self-care items and try to see what the associated benefits were beyond the obvious. It may be that the associated benefits are the things you are missing most as you try to adapt a new routine of self-care to a shelter-in-place +/- essential work kind of life.
I also encourage you to think big when brainstorming specific self-care strategies. Try not to dismiss items offhand as being luxuries. Chances are, a number of items you currently categorize as luxuries are actually solid self-care strategies. You dismiss them because you have been conditioned to think you don’t deserve them on a regular basis. On the other end of the spectrum, don’t forget to include those basic self-care items that contribute to wellbeing without necessarily being preferred activities: healthy food, enough sleep, moving your body/exercise, basic grooming tasks, etc.
Finally, we must consider that some of our self-care strategies are outdated or are no longer serving their purpose. Perhaps extended meal prep used to be a time when your thoughts were allowed to wander and you found satisfaction in pulling together a complicated recipe. When you told people you loved cooking, it was true. It may even be true again some day. But if you find yourself resenting the effort that goes into the meals you prepare at night, it might be worth simplifying dinners and using the time saved in a more effective manner. It is never a failure to thoughtfully adjust your habits or routines in service to your mental wellbeing.
Today’s handout will guide you through a series of writing prompts that will explore how you arrived at your current level of self-care, how your chosen self-care items are serving you (or not serving you), and what items you might be able to add or substitute in order to improve your sense of wellbeing.
Know that I am not done with this topic, and that my advocacy for increased deliberate self-care will be a repeating theme in this blog and in my podcast. For now, however, establishing at least a few effective self-care habits to protect and provide for you during the COVID-19 pandemic is of utmost importance.
This concludes my three-part COVID-19 Self-Care Package. The TLC Wellness Journey will continue next week with a blog post and podcast entitled Navigating Negative Emotions. I invite you to follow my blog, subscribe to my podcast, and sign-up for my Newsletter to keep abreast of my latest work.
Take care always,
