It is a generally accepted principle that everyone processes grief differently. This maxim is usually employed when there is a loss by death, and it gives license to the bereaved to behave in ways that are typically out of character for them with fewer societal repercussions.
Notice I said fewer and not ‘without’. Unfortunately, as a society we are not very forgiving of what is often considered ‘negative’ emotion, whether it is grief, pain, anger, guilt, sorrow, fear, envy, insecurity, sometimes even confusion is taboo. There is slightly more license given to our expression of these emotions on social media platforms, but in person we are restricted to a fairly narrow range of acceptable expression. In cases where a negative emotion IS accepted, the window of time in which it is allowable is often much shorter than the natural lifespan of the emotion. Sometimes by months if not years. Negative emotions can also be more or less acceptable based on your gender, age, race, location/setting, socioeconomic status, and the relationship within which the emotion is being expressed.
For the remainder of the article, I will refer to the collage of emotions listed above as ‘negative emotions’. Please understand this is for simplicity sake and because this language emphasizes how we generally interpret these emotions. However, ‘negative’ is not meant in any way to classify these emotions as wrong or unacceptable.
How we react to negative emotions in ourselves and in others is heavily influenced by our upbringing. How did our parents model negative emotions for us? What did they say about the emotions expressed by others? Did you ever feel it necessary to control or hide a category of emotions? How did you learn to express yourself when you were experiencing a negative emotion?
The complicated personal and social factors that play into our expression of grief, fear, pain, guilt, shame, and anger mean we rarely communicate them cleanly or willingly to anyone other than a very trusted friend or family member. Unfortunately, these emotions are just as common as the more socially accepted ‘positive’ emotions of joy, happiness, humor, calm, etc. So what happens? We mask our emotions. Sometimes with positive ones. Sometimes we strive to appear neutral. And sometimes, the best we can achieve is to channel the full range of a negative emotional state into the least taboo of the lot, which for many is anger expressed as righteous indignation, passive aggressive sarcasm, or stiff professionalism.
None of these strategies for evading expression of authentic emotion benefit us over the long haul. Internalized or masked emotion festers like a deeply embedded splinter. We may loose the specifics of the emotions that add to our internal pressure, but we feel a sense of ever-present stress or tension. Emotions that we release in a transformed state, especially when that state is anger, have a way of adding to our overall negative experience rather than relieving it.
The most natural solution, experiencing and expressing our emotions in their authentic form, requires a great deal of honesty with ourselves and unfortunately, honesty might not be enough. It is one thing to decide to live your emotions authentically. It is quite another to distinguish between individual emotions if your longstanding habit has been to transform them into a general amalgamation of stress, anger, and resentment. You may no longer clearly recognize fear, insecurity, and shame as distinct states. Or if you do, it may only be in hindsight as you look back over your day, and not in the moment in which they occur.
Improving our recognition of emotions relies on our ability to tune into our body and mind in real time. This can be difficult if we are experiencing emotions in the midst of highly cognitive activities (does medicine come to mind?) as during these activities we are less likely to pay attention the signals our body sends us. Just like anything else, this is a skill we can cultivate.
Think of the Body Scan Exercise introduced in Overcoming Overwhelm. Over five minutes you are asked to methodically check in with your entire body. In the middle of a busy day it is not practical to stop every half our or so to check in that thoroughly. However, for one day you could choose to monitor your jaw tone to see under what circumstances you clench your teeth. You may choose to focus on your hands for a day to see when you might ball them into fists, when they become sweaty, or when they feel numb or tingly. When do you crave cookie-dough or chips? When do you want to escape through alcohol, exercise, or sex? Tracking physical indicators and correlating them with what you are currently experiencing, will teach your brain to notice your emotional states in real time.
This ability is critical for the next step of acknowledging your emotions. Even if you are in a situation in which you can’t express a negative emotion, the ability to identify and label that emotion in your head can be helpful. “I am feeling disappointed, envious, and unappreciated” can be running through your head even as you applaud someone else’s promotion. Owning your emotions helps to keep track of them, and if necessary, save them for later discussion in the safe space of your choosing. If you are less certain of your own emotional state, you are more likely to vent or internalize the emotion.
Once we notice and name our emotions, the final step is to express them in an authentic and safe manner by: sharing them with an understanding friend, journaling, going for a run, meditating, screaming into a pillow or smashing eggs in a bath tub, having a good cry, taking frustration out on a punching bag, or, if our negative emotions are the result of interpersonal conflict, deliberately seeking to resolve that conflict.
As you are increasing your awareness of your own negative emotions, take the opportunity to observe the people around you. Is someone expressing anger when you think grief or fear might be more appropriate? Think of all the times when you have felt blindsided by anger from a client. Is it possible they were masking a different negative emotion? One whose expression would make them feel vulnerable? Is there anything you could have said to reassure or address the masked emotion? What might you be able to do or say in the future?
Obviously we cannot be responsible for someone else’s emotions or the way they choose to express their emotions, but if we can remind ourselves that anger may simply be a defense mechanism, it may be easier to weather the storm or to find our way to the other side. I have included a vignette below to illustrate how this might play out.
The topic of how negative emotions affect our work, our life, and our own mental health is one we will return to frequently and in much greater detail. For now, begin to notice how you experience and express negative emotions. I also invite you to consider what additional, less comfortable emotions may be hidden behind expressions of anger. Explore these concepts in today’s handout: Decoding Negative Emotions.
The TLC Wellness Journey will continue next week with a blog post and podcast entitled “When will it be OK?”. I invite you to follow my blog, subscribe to my podcast, and sign-up for my Newsletter to keep abreast of my latest work.
Take care always,
A Client Vignette
Consider this client’s emotional state: I feel grief stricken and sick with guilt that I didn’t bring my cat in sooner but really, I can’t afford treatment and I was hoping he would get better on his own… and, well, I didn’t really notice until it was too late to be prompt anyway…. which adds deep shame to the mix. It is not comfortable to sit with these emotions and not acceptable to share them with my veterinarian… and why am I feeling all these things anyway? Because veterinary services are so expensive, that’s why! And how is it my fault Mr. Tibby got into a fight? I had him neutered didn’t I? And keeping him inside is just inhumane. None of this is my fault and I don’t deserve to be made to feel as though it is!
In all likelihood this is not actually a conscious thought process. Years of practice and conditioning have trained us to move from discomfort to defense quickly and effortlessly, which leaves little time for new information (a veterinarian who truly HASN’T implied guilt) to make a difference before we are hearing: “You know, if you really cared for animals, you wouldn’t be charging this much.” Words that still cut so deeply, even when we know they have no basis in truth; even though we have heard them before and they are no longer a surprise.
And how do we respond? Our emotional milieu probably includes hurt, betrayal, anger, bitterness, sorrow, resentment…. But 9 times out of 10 what comes out? Stiff professionalism and politically correct phrasing that does nothing to change the situation. “I’m sorry you feel that way Ms. Smith. I assure you my only concern is that Mr. Tibby gets the care he needs. If you are having difficulty with finances, may I suggest you apply for Care Credit with the reception team?” All correct, all designed to move the appointment along, but offering neither party relief.
Professional talk whether in a veterinary setting or grocery store is meant to keep a conversation moving in a way that allows us all to bypass emotion. It is a protective mechanism that means we can continue to do our job without engaging. A byproduct of our society’s discomfort with negative emotion.
Sometimes it has been one too many times, or our internal filter can’t be found and something more reflective of our hurt and anger comes out: “If I were in it for the money, I certainly would not be a veterinarian. I have student debt that will haunt me until I’m seventy, and that 1992 Honda Accord you parked next to in the parking lot? It doesn’t belong to the teenager working at the Starbucks next door, it’s mine because I can’t afford a new car. I am here for your cat and maybe I set the prices in this clinic, maybe I don’t, but either way, they are not high enough to pay the staff what they deserve, and they don’t reflect the actual knowledge and training I received to be able to practice. If you walked into a human hospital, you would be paying 20x this much, though you will probably never realize it because you have insurance. Does your cat have insurance? No? Let me get you a brochure.”
There, do you feel any better? Maybe. Does your client feel any better? Probably not. If anything the shame into indignation transfer has been stepped up. You get a nasty review and never see the client or cat again.
Unfortunately, the only approach that has a chance of establishing true rapport can be time-consuming and emotionally taxing. Though if it succeeds, you will have the reward and relief of a genuine human connection. You sigh and sit down, letting your armor crack enough for the client to see your distress. Ms. Smith, it really hurts to hear you say that, and I worry you might actually believe I’m here for the money. Please believe me I’m not. I do need a paycheck to live, it’s true, but we all do. I chose this career because I am passionate about animals. You must be too as you are obviously distressed by the situation Mr. Tibby has gotten himself into (this sentence is critical as it offers empathy, asks the client to review their own emotions, and invites the client to see you as an ally). I hope my own concern about him did not come across as judgmental as that was certainly not my intent. I understand you may have financial concerns, but if you can trust me to work with you, I am sure we can figure something out.
At this moment you are well on your way to being late for your next appointment and you have just placed your heart on the ground at the owner’s feet, vulnerable if they should choose to stomp on it. The deciding factor will likely be the extent to which your client has been conditioned to avoid negative emotions. For some the only way to feel safe is to maintain an unbreakable emotional façade. If you have opened up to one of those, you may have only succeeded in getting a politically correct stiffness with the possibility remaining of a bad review. Sometimes though, you will get an apology…. And occasionally you will get relieved tears, a heartfelt apology, and a new favorite client.